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Christine wrote: 
 
My friend Pattie will be 50 at the end of September and after seeing
your page I thought it would be a great idea to have a poem written
for her. My other colleagues at work also think that it is a great
idea. I think that a humorous poem would be good although not too cruel.
 
A bit about the subject:
 
Pattie is one of life's eternal complainers . She doesn't even seem to
realize she is doing it but is not really happy if she is not moaning
about something. She has a few favourite sayings (usually about work) Which I hope are not too rude to use.
 
1. I am totally pissed off.
 
2. I just did not want to come in this morning.
 
3. I am sick of this place but what do you do ? (with a shrug of the
shoulders.)
 
4. (This one she says all the time after nearly everything she says)
Do you know what I mean?
 
Pattie is also known for her cider drinking (lots of it ) and smoking
cigarettes. She is very small, very thin and food just is not important to her (she would rather have a cider and a fag). She is married to Davey and has a daughter Danielle, both of whom are really nice, and know what
she is like. Having said all that she is still a good friend and a nice person
really you just have to know her and take her with a pinch of salt.
 
I hope that you will be able to compose something with the few details
that I have given you and that I will hear from you soon.
 
Thanking you in anticipation, Christine Clements.
 
 
PATTIE
 
Hello Pattie,
you good old friend of mine,
now you've hit the bulls-eye,
thought we'd write you a little line:
 
We know you love your fried eggs,
all soggy between two bits of bread,
and we know there's two pairs of knickers,
do you wear them when you're in bed ?
 
Your hubbie Davey is like a whippet,
you say he's built for speed,
(hope he's not too quick,
and he satisfies your every need) !
 
You carefully sip your cider,
by the gallon (or two),
while puffing on your ciggies,
what are we to do ?
 
Yet you remain so skinny,
some would say painfully thin,
but just ignore these comments,
just like that egg on your chin !
 
Now you have so many sayings,
some will come as no surprise,
but I'll pick out a few,
see which ones you recognize:
 
"I am totally pissed off !",
(You're not the hardest worker I've ever seen),
so "I work like a Trojan" contradicts:
"Do you know what I mean ?"
 
"This is a typical Monday",
(How come you say it on every one ?),
"I just didn't want to come in today",
Hey, I thought work was supposed to be fun !
 
We all know you love your Scottish,
especially when they talk with the accent,
I'd swear if they were in a kilt and a Cromby,
you'd think they were heaven sent !
 
Now please do not take offence,
these words are only in jest,
and what we really want to say is:
"Pattie, you are the best !".
 
Copyright Allen Jesson 1998
 
 
Christine kindly replied:
Thanks for the poem. It's brilliant. Anyway, first of all to thank you for Pattie's poem. Everyone at work laughed out loud when they read it and they all said that they would have known who it was about even if the name was not there. It is just so about Pattie to everyone who knows and loves her. I cant wait to read it out to her at her party and I also intend to have it framed for her. Thanks again and I will be in touch soon. You might just get sick of me asking for poems now, It's my brother's 60th on October 3rd so it would be really nice to surprise him with a poem too, although I realise that you are a very busy man and that it might be too short notice. It's just a thought though.
Best Regards, Christine.

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